Ah, Lucy and the football, one of the more cherished sequences in the old “Peanuts’ comic strip and one of the most metaphoric. Lucy holds a football for Charlie Brown to kick, assuring him that, this time, she won’t pull it away at the last minute, causing the long-suffering sucker to land flat on his back. Which, of course, she always does. And, yet, Charlie Brown, poor trusting soul that he is, always come back for more as he has been doing for over 40 years.
This same dance of trust and betrayal plays out ever two years whenever an American election is underway. Like Lucy, the politicians make the same deceitful promises and like Charlie Brown,, we delude ourselves into believing them. After all, this time it will be different, right?
Wrong.
Therefore, as a public service, I present this guide to campaign rhetoric which can alert the reader to both what the candidates say and what they really mean.
“I’M AN OUTSIDER” - No, you aren’t. Once you run for public office, you are part of a party machine and obedient to donors, voters, advisors, lobbyists, political and media hacks whose will you must obey if you want to be taken seriously. Besides, if being an Outsider is so wonderful, why are you spending umpteen millions of dollars to become an Insider?
“I’M FROM OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY - Likewise, if being outside the Beltway is such a sign of personal virtue, then please stay there.
“I PROMISE TO FIX WASHINGTON” – Oh yeah, you and what army? Once elected, you won’t be able to accomplish anything without arm-twisting, deal-making, alliance-building, negotiating and repaying the generous corporate donors who contributed large sums to get you elected. You think Pfizer, Exxon-Mobil, General-Dynamics and Goldman-Sachs gave you big bucks because your wife and kids look cute on TV?
“I’LL FIGHT THE SPECIAL INTERESTS” – Except for those who contributed millions to my campaign (see above).
“IF ELECTED. I’LL CUT TAXES” - for the big corporations. I’ll toss you a puppy treat of a few hundred dollars in tax savings that will soon be erased by added fees. By then, however, I’ll be safely in my new D.C. office so who cares!
“IF ELECTED, I’LL CUT SPENDING” – on programs that help everyone else in the country that isn’t a corporate donor. Sorry suckers! Who needs Social Security when you have a padded multi-million dollar retirement package?
“I PROMISE TO CREATE JOBS” – in Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, China, India and anywhere else where American businesses can benefit from sweatshop labor.
“I’LL STOP WALL STREET BAILOUTS” – unless, of course, they prevent my vast investment portfolio from evaporating.
“I STAND FOR FAMILY VALUES” – although I’ve been screwing my secretary for the past five years. Psst, don’t tell my wife. She thinks I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail.
“I’LL STAND UP TO THE GAY AGENDA AND FORBID GAY MARRIAGE” – Actually, both my son and my sister are gay but unless I suck up to the Christian Right, I won’t get elected.
“I PROMISE TO SUPPORT 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS” – Actually, I hate guns but unless I suck up to the NRA, I won’t get elected.
“MY OPPONENT RAISED TAXES AND SUPPORTED THOSE WALL STREET BAILOUTS” – Because he realized that governing and campaigning are two separate things. If he hadn't done either, the government and the economy would have both seized up.
This same dance of trust and betrayal plays out ever two years whenever an American election is underway. Like Lucy, the politicians make the same deceitful promises and like Charlie Brown,, we delude ourselves into believing them. After all, this time it will be different, right?
Wrong.
Therefore, as a public service, I present this guide to campaign rhetoric which can alert the reader to both what the candidates say and what they really mean.
“I’M AN OUTSIDER” - No, you aren’t. Once you run for public office, you are part of a party machine and obedient to donors, voters, advisors, lobbyists, political and media hacks whose will you must obey if you want to be taken seriously. Besides, if being an Outsider is so wonderful, why are you spending umpteen millions of dollars to become an Insider?
“I’M FROM OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY - Likewise, if being outside the Beltway is such a sign of personal virtue, then please stay there.
“I PROMISE TO FIX WASHINGTON” – Oh yeah, you and what army? Once elected, you won’t be able to accomplish anything without arm-twisting, deal-making, alliance-building, negotiating and repaying the generous corporate donors who contributed large sums to get you elected. You think Pfizer, Exxon-Mobil, General-Dynamics and Goldman-Sachs gave you big bucks because your wife and kids look cute on TV?
“I’LL FIGHT THE SPECIAL INTERESTS” – Except for those who contributed millions to my campaign (see above).
“IF ELECTED. I’LL CUT TAXES” - for the big corporations. I’ll toss you a puppy treat of a few hundred dollars in tax savings that will soon be erased by added fees. By then, however, I’ll be safely in my new D.C. office so who cares!
“IF ELECTED, I’LL CUT SPENDING” – on programs that help everyone else in the country that isn’t a corporate donor. Sorry suckers! Who needs Social Security when you have a padded multi-million dollar retirement package?
“I PROMISE TO CREATE JOBS” – in Indonesia, Malaysia, Vietnam, China, India and anywhere else where American businesses can benefit from sweatshop labor.
“I’LL STOP WALL STREET BAILOUTS” – unless, of course, they prevent my vast investment portfolio from evaporating.
“I STAND FOR FAMILY VALUES” – although I’ve been screwing my secretary for the past five years. Psst, don’t tell my wife. She thinks I’m hiking the Appalachian Trail.
“I’LL STAND UP TO THE GAY AGENDA AND FORBID GAY MARRIAGE” – Actually, both my son and my sister are gay but unless I suck up to the Christian Right, I won’t get elected.
“I PROMISE TO SUPPORT 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS” – Actually, I hate guns but unless I suck up to the NRA, I won’t get elected.
“MY OPPONENT RAISED TAXES AND SUPPORTED THOSE WALL STREET BAILOUTS” – Because he realized that governing and campaigning are two separate things. If he hadn't done either, the government and the economy would have both seized up.
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